


Suicide Watch

by Aesthetic_Bruises



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Orphan Keith (Voltron), Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Esteem Issues, Trans Male Character, Weight Issues
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-05-15
Updated: 2019-07-29
Packaged: 2020-03-05 18:01:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 3
Words: 4,359
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18833857
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Aesthetic_Bruises/pseuds/Aesthetic_Bruises
Summary: Lance was delaying looking at the house for as long as possible. He got out of his mums car with his head down. He pulled his suitcase out of his bag with his eyes zeroed in on his hands. He dragged his suitcase to the pathway up to the door with his eyes on his off brand canvas shoes from target, and held his breath. “Lance? Baby? You okay?” Lance couldn’t even look up at her. Not with why they were here. “Yeah. I’m great Mum.” he smile at his feet. “Lance. Baby. you don’t have to do this.” his mum murmured to him. Which was wrong. Not Technically. But it was the only option lance could take without feeling worse about himself than he already does. He TECHNICALLY had three options. 1; move in to the mental health ward at the hospital. Which his family couldn’t really afford that option. 2; he could be under 24/7 supervision at home. Which meant his Mum or Step dad would have to Quit their job. Once again. Not affordable, despite his mother's insistence. Or option 3; move into a boarding house full of other suicidal or mentally unstable people till he was approved by a psychiatrist to be a normal functioning member of society.





	1. Horror house of a different kind.

**Author's Note:**

> So this Fic obviously has Lots of HEAVY themes. lots of suicide talk, lots of insecurities and even PTSD for Shiro. severe separation anxiety for Keith so be warned I guess.
> 
> Also Pidge is trans because I need Pidge to be a boy. Because they're all living together. also this is all fictional and I obviously don't own Voltron or the characters, and its probably unrealistic in lots of ways. but suck it the fuck up yeah?
> 
> Also Keith's parents are dead as a door knob and Sam Holt and Matt Holt are also dead. so is Lance's Biological Father. 
> 
> So lots of dead family. yay.
> 
> anyway. enjoy. or don't. you know. whatever.

Lance was delaying looking at the house for as long as possible. He got out of his mums car with his head down. He pulled his suitcase out of his bag with his eyes zeroed in on his hands. He dragged his suitcase to the pathway up to the door with his eyes on his off brand canvas shoes from target, and held his breath. “Lance? Baby? You okay?” Lance couldn’t even look up at her. Not with why they were here. “Yeah. I’m great Mum.” he smile at his feet. “Lance. Baby. you don’t have to do this.” his mum murmured to him. Which was wrong. Not Technically. But it was the only option lance could take without feeling worse about himself than he already does. He TECHNICALLY had three options. 1; move in to the mental health ward at the hospital. Which his family couldn’t really afford that option. 2; he could be under 24/7 supervision at home. Which meant his Mum or Step dad would have to Quit their job. Once again. Not affordable, despite his mother's insistence. Or option 3; move into a boarding house full of other suicidal or mentally unstable people till he was approved by a psychiatrist to be a normal functioning member of society. Lance was less than pleased with his options but apparently when your admitted to the hospital seven times in two months for self harm and suicide attempts. Your annoying enough for the government to lock you away until your fixed. “It’s okay mama. I want to.” even the words tasted bitter in Lance’s mouth. “Lance-” his dad’s voice cut off as the sound of the door opening. 

“Oh no…” Lance frowned. Very rarely did his mother react badly to anything. Unless you were openly insulting her family, she tended to be a little too relaxed about things. So the reaction was a code red to Lance. He dragged his eyes from his shoes up the pathway, up the front porch to the front door, currently swung open and revealing a tall thin ginger haired man with a mustache Lance hasn’t seen in his life outside of a cartoon. Until now. This man was in a blue shirt with green liquid running down the front of it, and a grin that made lance want to slap him across the face hard enough to bruise him. “Hi! You must be Lance!” the man practically screamed as he floundered down the steps. “Oh fuck” Lance breathed as the man started an odd gallop down the pathway. “Please excuse my shirt. Pidge got upset and squirted paint at me!” he grinned like he’d achieved some amazing achievement. Lance didn’t like him. “Oh. does this… happen a lot?” Lance’s step dad asked and the man barely batted an eye. “Oh sometimes. She lashes out to express her feelings. But we’re working on giving her healthier expressive mechanisms. Painting, apparently is not her favourite.” the man babbles. “Oh. we must… have the wrong place. Lance honey, let’s get back in the car.” his mum smiled sweetly and Lance couldn’t agree more. “Coran?” lance looked up the path,a woman in a white blouse and a long blue maxi skirt with hoop earrings. Lance felt his stomach drop. She was perfect. Clear beautiful skin that looked like it had never seen a single pimple, eyes so beautifully sky blue they made his stomach feel like he was in a plane. Her hair was platinum blonde and fell in perfectly styled waves. 

Lance didn't associate with people this perfect. They made him feel ugly just looking at them. Lance’s hair was a boring brown. His eyes were dull dark blue, he had faint freckles over his nose and cheeks that he felt compelled to conceal with makeup. He was skinny enough to see his ribs. He had scars on his wrist he hid with bracelets and long sleeves, his lips were thin, his neck was to long and skinny, he was to lanky he looked like a bad photo shop experience. “Hi. My names Allura. It’s lovely to meet you.” she smiles a million watt smile and holds out her perfectly manicured hand. “Yeah.. hi.” he rasps out staring at the beautiful Disney princess ass hand extended to him. “Coran. Why don’t you go shower and change. I'll get lance settled in.” the woman smiled as ‘Coran’ who was apparently the insane and irrationally irritating ginger haired man who had been shot with paint buy a fellow mentally ill person, waltzed down the path blabbering on in various affirmative bullshit. Lance didn't like him. He was fucking crazy. “Sorry. He’s especially chipper today.” the perfect woman sighed. “He has a tendency to…. Press a few of our client’s buttons.” lance swallowed to ease the sandpaper feel of his throat. “Aren’t you both supposed to be psychologists?” Lance’s mama asked and Lance held back a snort. His mum could be savage unintentionally. “Yes. We’re both fully qualified psychologists.” the woman smiled, her right eye almost, ALMOST, twitching. “Ready to come meet the other house members?” she smiled at Lance. Lance felt compelled to turn around and run screaming for the hills. “ okay..” Lance mumbles out, decidedly not allowing the label “clinically fucking mental” to be stamped on him. The woman looked up and smiled at his parents. “Your welcome to come in and see the house. And visits are allowed if Lance is stable enough to have visitors. But we ask that you organise visits at least two weeks ahead and are prepared for them to be cancelled if Lance’s mental state isn’t quite up to visitors. We do have four other people currently living with us. So please understand visitors aren’t always an option for us.” Allura smiles stepping to the side and gesturing down the path, probably for lance to walk towards the house. And he wants to. He actually does. Better to get it over with as quick as possible right? But his feet just wouldn’t move, his knees were shaking in his skinny jeans and his stomach was churning like an ocean in a storm. Barely quelled when his mums hand landed on the small of his back. And just like that his feet started moving and his legs were carrying him towards the house. Which was a hideously perfect white with baby blues and the occasional light grey accent. Lance loathed it.


	2. First Impressions Are Over Rated Anyways

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Allura walked to the door when Lance sidled off to the side of the porch and stared at the door like it was about to speak to him. “So. ready to meet your new housemates?” Allura smiles and Lance shrugged. Whilst his mind yelled at him that he didn't care about being labelled “clinically fucking mental” anymore and he should make a fucking run for it. But before he could further delve into that thought process the door was opened and he was following Allura through the doorway into a huge room. Lance took in the room for approximately three nanoseconds before he was drawn away from his study of the room, “who the fuck invited Priscilla Queen of the taco’s over?”

Allura walked to the door when Lance sidled off to the side of the porch and stared at the door like it was about to speak to him. “So. ready to meet your new housemates?” Allura smiles and Lance shrugged. Whilst his mind yelled at him that he didn't care about being labelled “clinically fucking mental” anymore and he should make a fucking run for it. But before he could further delve into that thought process the door was opened and he was following Allura through the doorway into a huge room. Lance took in the room for approximately three nanoseconds before he was drawn away from his study of the room, “who the fuck invited priscilla Queen of the taco’s over?” a grumble snapped Lance’s eyes to the people currently standing in front of easels with canvas on them. “Pidge!” Allura hissed and the short boy with dark blonde bob that spiked outwards at his jaw glared at the woman. “What!?” the boy hissed and Allura took a deep breath and pinched her nose. “Go to your room. Now. your in no mental space to talk to people like you are now.” Allura hissed. Lance was barely paying attention to his parents behind him. To focused on the show currently being held in front of him. “I am SO sorry about him. He’s particularly aggressive today.” Allura eases and Lance swallows nodding. This place was looking more and more like a prison as things go. “ is this really an okay place to leave my CHILD?!” Lance’s mama asked pointedly. “I promise, this is one of the safest places to leave him Mrs McClain. Outbursts like that are rare and few between.” Allura assures with her dainty hand gesturing to the other boys around the room, first to the hulking guy in a bright yellow apron with a bandanna keeping his hair out of his face. “This is Hunk. He’s our newest Resident, or was now that you’re here Lance.” the large guy lifted a hand, smiling shyly and partially hiding behind a canvas “hey” he mumbled and Lance lifted a hand up awkwardly in response. “And this is Keith, he’s our longest resident.” Allura gestured vaguely to a guy in a red leather jacket with his arms crossed and a disapproving look on his face like Lance had pushed a child or something. Lance waved his hand slightly before dropping it when the guy only raised an eyebrow like Lance was doing everything wrong. But he didn't know the protocol for this shit. How the hell do you greet you future housemates when you already know they have to have shitty mental health to be your future house mate in the first place. “Right… And this is Shiro.” Allura said gesturing to the final unknown. The guy looked like he worked out at least four days a week, his biceps were the size of Lance’s head. But his face looked almost babyish, definitely more cute than the hotness the guy exhibited from the neck down. Lance was so caught up in the adorable smile he almost missed the scar across his nose. Almost. His Mama hadn’t either apparently. “He didn't get that scar here did he?” his Mama’s voice questioned and the guy’s right hand smacked up over his face and Lance felt his blood run cold at the shock, shame, embarrassment, and pain that flashed through the guys eyes. “MAMA!” Lance hissed glaring over his shoulder. “Mrs McClain, Shiro got that scar during his time in the Military. I’d also Appreciate if you didn't offend or embarrass my clients any further please or I'll have to ask you to leave.” Allura clipped and turned around to Lance. “ I'll take you to your… room now. Then you’ll have to say goodbye to your parents for now okay?” Allura smiled softly and Lance swallowed harshly, the guys, Shiro’s, feelings hardly his main concern anymore. “C'mon, I’ll show you to your room.”

Lance looked back to the others and felt his sense of impending doom settle further into his stomach at Hunk cowering behind his canvas, Shiro half hiding behind his, his hand still covering his face tear glossed eyes and Keith, glowering like he'd not only pushed a child over, but then straddled them and repeatedly punched it in the face. This was not how he wanted any first impressions of himself to be made. He didn't really know how he did want them to be made. But this seemed like a worst case scenario come true. Looking back to Allura, Lance trailed after her as she started waltzing deeper into the house. Lance followed, his legs shaking a little as he hurried after her, up a set of stairs and into the room on the left of the room. His immediate instinct was to run as fast as he could. There was two single beds in the room, one in the far left corner, and the other on the other side of the room in the close right corner. The far left one had a few weights sticking out from under it, and black sheets on it, the room was a slate grey colour with a literal hole in the wall just a little above the bed. 

“Please excuse the hole. Shiro has occasional night terrors when he doesn’t take his medication. It’ll be fixed by the end of the week.” Allura assured and Lance nods whilst his mothers hushed whispers behind him cease. “This bed here is yours.” Allura smiles and pats the closest bed gesturing at the rest of the room. “And all this side of the room is yours. Free to do as you please with. With a few restrictions of course, no sharp objects, any medications will be regulated and given to you by us till we deem you well enough to be in charge of them yourself, and no permanent modifying other than that Its free reign, we do ask that any combat or weaponry related items be hidden away for Shiro’s sake if that’s okay. “ the woman smiles and Lance forces a smile that he can tell looks like a grimace. He couldn't bring himself to care though, not when the look of pity crosses Allura’s face. “I know it seems a lot, but I promise after a brief adjustment period you’ll feel at home and a very welcome part in our little family here.” she tries to ease, and it almost works, Lance thinking he could probably get used to this. And it couldn't be to bad. They did painting. And he’d seen a group of people from an eating disorder rehabilitation house at the movies once. But Then his mother dropped his suitcase to the floor, the wheels landing with a jarring crack. “He has a family.” his Mama bites out. “And I don’t think this is a suitable living space for him. I think it’ll be best if he comes home with us.” She announces and Allura bristles. “ All due respect, this house is perfectly safe, and probably the better place for him given how quick you were to judge the other residents here, which your well aware clearly also suffer mental health issues. Aside from that issue, the papers have been signed and Lance has to live here for a month before he can be welcomed back into functioning society.” Allura seethed, if she were a cartoon, she’d have steam billowing out her ears like chimneys. “Mama….” Lance mumbled drawing his mothers attention back to him. “Its fine. If I really hate it here at the end of the month, we can get me home then… okay?” Lance smiled softly. He didn't want his mother creating a fuss again.

Lance’s Mama took a deep breath and nodded. “Okay… okay honey... “ she murmured and walked over, cupping his cheek gently and leaning up to kiss his forehead. Were just a phone call away. Always okay sweetheart. If you ever need us. Just call okay.” she murmured and he nodded. “ yeah Mama. I will. Promise.” Lance murmured. The warmth in his chest blooming through his whole body when his Dad stepped closer to his side and wrapped his arms around both him and his Mama. “We love you Kiddo… You know that don’t you?” his dad murmured and Lance nodded softly blinking back the tears in his eyes. “I love you too dad. And Mama, and all the others… I’m sorry..” he rasped his voice cracking on the last word. “No no no no no sweetheart. It’s not your fault. Never your fault. Just please… get better okay beautiful?” his Mama whispered in his ear, and all Lance could do was nod his head.


	3. Eventful Night In All The Worst Ways

Lance lay on his bed staring at the ceiling of the room. It was so… dull. Everything felt dull. Blank. He knew he should feel miserable. He was locked in a house full of mentally unstable guys with two psychiatrists, one who seemed like a crazy art teacher who didn't grasp the concept of normalcy and another that was to perfectly proper for Lance to stomach looking at. His parents had made the worst impression for him he could think of excluding flat out insults, and now they weren’t allowed to visit him for a month. He should be miserable, livid, furious, heartbroken, SOMETHING. But he just couldn't summon the emotions. No matter how hard he tried, he just couldn't think of something to keep him happy. 

“Dinners ready.” Lance looked up and locked eyes with the blonde boy who had been exiled before. The introductions even started. “ and I’m sorry for calling you queen of doritos…” they grumbled. Lance turned back to the ceiling. “ it was taco’s” Lance murmurs to himself and sighs. “ and it’s fine. I’ve been called a whole lot worse” he smiles to himself at that. “ one time this kid called me a discount chola girl with a dick so small he thought it was my pinky finger.” Lance sighs. That was one of the nicer ones. Impersonal. Lance could deal with racist impersonal insults. Sure they hurt. But they were easier to believe that they weren’t true. “ sounds like a moron.” Lance looks over at the guy and shrugs. “ you coming?” Pidge huffs and Lance sighs. “ do I have to?” he mumbles. “ yes. Dinner and lunch are mandatory meals. And eaten together most days. So get up before I drag you ass down the stairs. “ the boy growls and Lance rolls himself off the bed to the floor. “Careful. Wouldn’t wanna bruise a pretty face.” the blond guy snorted and Lance rolled his eyes. “ gotta have one to bruise one.” Lance pushes himself to his feet in time to catch the other staring at him in approval. Lance wasn't quite sure why. Which was annoying because if he knew how to make someone approve he would. He would change literally anything about himself to get approval. It sounds sad. But it’s not really. Lance doesn't think so. It’s like when you compromise for someone you love.

“ cmon then miguel. Vamonos.” the blond guy declared and waltz down the hall. Lance chanced a gLance in the mirror and swallowed, patting down his hair roughly before following to the dining room. He walked into the dining room and swallowed as the eyes of every person locked onto him. “Um… hi…” he winced at how awkward he sounded. “ Lance! Come have a seat! There’s a spare place between Shiro and Hunk.” Allura smiles and Lance tries to give one back. From her look of pity he can tell it’s unconvincing. Shuffling over to the seat, he sits down and looks at the person across from him. Coran smiles back at him, clear of green paint now, and bearing his crows feet proudly as he dishes up a plate of food, probably double what Lance would normally dish himself up, and slid it in front of him. Lance looked down at it murmuring a quiet thank you before starting to push and pull the pasta around with his fork. Glancing up next to him he locks eyes with Shiro and swallows hard. The white gauze taped over his nose to hide the scar wrinkling a little as Shiro smiles at him dully, looking back down at the food Lance takes a shuddering breath. “ I think… I should apologise…” Lance swallows to try and kill the quiver in his voice. “Don’t worry Lance. We get it can be hard to eat when your so stressed given the new environment, your appetite will pick up in a few days I’m sure.” Allura soothes and Lance can’t help but frown. They’d noticed he wasn't eating then. 

“ no… I.” Lance looked up at Allura’s carefully blank face. “I meant I should apologize for earlier. About the things my mum said. All of them.” Lance stares down at his plate holding his breath. “Lance you don’t hav-” Allura was cut off by Keith's snarl of “YES. He does!” Lance looks up frowning. “ I’ve apologised for my behaviour. Shouldn’t you apologise for your’s? You’ve been nothing but a dick this whole time and I literally haven’t even spoken to you!” Lance hissed and Keith glowers. “ you didn't need to speak to me for me to know you’ll be judgemental, rude and selfish. Just like your mother. People learn from their parents.” Keith growls and Lance clenches his jaw. “ sounds to me the only person learning to be a judgemental prick from their parents here is you!” Lance seethes and Keith stands up. “ Couldn’t fucking happen douche-bag! My parents died in a fire when I was one!” Keith yelled. Lance felt his blood chill. His reply dying in his throat as the other storms out of the room to the bedrooms upstairs. “Well…. That went better than usually.” Coran grins and Lance cant help it. He stands up and slinks to the bathroom and closes the door, looking for the lock and clicking it in place before stripping off and yanking the hot water tap on hard enough for a pelting shower to start up. Whilst the water heated to scorching Lance glared at his body in the mirror. He was stick thin, his skinny little hips leading up to his lanky shoulders, his ribs jutting out like a triangle from his otherwise straight rectangular body. His stomach had so little fat he had the faintest hint of abs without even exercising. “Lance?” he flinched at the gentle but firm rap on the door. “ I’m showering. I'll be out in a minute.” Lance called and stepped under the scorching stream. The water pelting his skin in a volley of pain, like tiny red hot pins stabbing into him over and over. It was so relaxing. The punishing heat of the water. He’d be a little tender in the next two days. But he deserved it so did it really matter?. 

After the third time of someone knocking on the shower and asking if he’s alright, he got out, grabbed the towel off the blue hanger he’d be using for his stay according to Allura after the tour of the house. He quickly toweled off, patting dry so as to avoid rubbing at the peeling skin that now adorned his back, before dressing back into his clothes and sneaking up to the room he shared with Shiro. As he slunk into the room, Shiro turned from the little mirror on the wall, gauze half hanging off his nose with watery eyes and grimace. “S-sorry… it hurts to take off..” the man sighed and Lance frowned. “then why would you put it on?” Lance blurted out before thinking back to the shame, the pain, the embarrassment in his eyes when Lance’s mama blurted out the question about the scar. “ it makes people sick. Disgusts them. I don’t… I hate what people think of me when they see it…” Shiro murmurs. Like he was mumbling to himself. “ I think it looks badass. Like your some kind of fantasy handsome warrior prince or something. The white hair helps. “ Lance can feel the tumbling words falling out of his mouth. But try as he might. He can’t stop them. Shiro blinks at him, the pink on his face from pulling off the strong gauze tape growing a little darker. “Uh.. thanks… I've never heard that one before…” he chuckled lightly and Lance smiled shakily in relief. 

“Want me to rip it off? Like a bandaid?” he asks and Shiro nods slowly. Lance shuffled over and gently cupped one side of his face and grabbed the gauze with his other hand looking into Shiro’s eyes. “ ready?” he asks and Shiro takes a shaky breath. “On three?” he asks weakly and Lance smiles a little as how babish his face matches the words but not the deep smooth voice. “ on three.” Lance confirms. “One.” Lance tightens his grip on the gauze and Shiro leans into his hand a little. “Two” Shiro crushes his eyes shut and Lance takes a breath to hold. “Three.” Lance yanks on the gauze hard, the sound of it pulling free and Shiro’s pained gasp making Lance squeazes his own eyes shut. “ fuck..” Shiro whispers shakily and Lance gently rubs his thumb over the sticky skin where his hand rests against Shiro’s cheek already. “You okay?” Lance whispers, quieter than he meant as he opens his eyes, Shiro nodded softly leaning into Lances hand a little more as a single tear slides down his cheek. “Really hurt.” the man huffed and Lance bit his lip. “Don’t do it again then… I know it might help sometimes… but is the pain worth it?” he mumbles and Shiro takes a shuddering breath. “Sometimes.” the man whispers. 

“AHEM” Lance whirls back so fast he stumbles to the side and smacks his ankle on the bed and chokes on his own cry of pain. In the doorway stands a very unimpressed Pidge. “Wow. subtle.” Pidge muses, leaning so his shoulder is resting on the door frame. “We weren’t doing anything Pidge.” Shiro huffs and rolls his eyes. “Right. Like that time you and Keith barricaded the door to “talk” for three hours.” Pidge smirked and Lance felt his stomach drop. “Pidge. We just talked. About things we didn’t want people over hearing.” Shiro’s disproving tone wasn’t enough to dispel the churning in Lance’s stomach. “Sure.” Pidge’s blunt response made the feeling worse. Allura said lights out is an hour early today.” Pidge says looking over the two of them before raising an eyebrow. “ Also i’m just down the hall. So… bite a pillow or something “ Pidge cackles loudly as he breezes down the hall again, Lance stared at his feet feeling his face burning like he was holding it over his family's monthly bonfire. “Forget him. He just enjoys tormenting people. “ Shiro huffed as he scratched at the sticky skin on his face. “You should have seen what she did to hunk when he first got here. He didn’t sleep for a week after that incident.” the man mumbled to himself. Lance looked up a him before quickly swiveling to look away, Shiro was half fucking naked. His shirt had been stripped and he was wearing low hanging pajama bottoms as he picked at his skin in the little mirror on the wall. Swallowing hard, Lance climbs under the covers and shifts in the bed a little till he’s comfortable. He stares at the ceiling, barely listening to Shiro say goodnight to Allura as she closes the door. Barely listening when Shiro clicks off the light and slides into bed and murmurs a quiet goodnight to him. As far as the world was concerned. Lance was asleep already.

**Author's Note:**

> also i have no posting schedule and I'm away for two weeks after Monday next week so... ya know... I'll probably update again this week but then y'all might have to wait for a while... Awkies... please don't leave because of that


End file.
